Dear Colleagues,
While we often work with adolescent and emerging adult clients who are struggling with significant mental health challenges, some of these same individuals are blessed with the gift of being able to capture and express their emotions through the arts. As therapists, we learn the theory, the application, and the psychotherapeutic skills necessary to guide people to the path of emotional regulation and a life worth living, but we often have not experienced these feelings from the interior landscape that our clients do. This new series, "Voices From The Heart" is our invitation to former clients to share some of their most powerful expressions of what it feels like to walk in their shoes. We all know the feeling of being impacted by a work of art that needs no elaboration. Welcome to "Voices From The Heart."
The criteria for publication of works in this series is as follows:
I call this the pre-story to my anxiety. It was the first hidden story about all the stories that are to come. It was in May of 2024 and I was scheduled to work a Friday shift with my manager. I think the hours were 12-5. I ended up staying 12-1. Anyway, this particular shift required a lot of concentration because she was teaching me how to clean a soft-serve ice cream machine and she heavily emphasized that doing any of these steps incorrectly could break the machine. I’d say 2 minutes into her showing me how clean the machine I already was thinking about my breathing. Specifically, I'd hold my breath and not understand why I was holding my breath. Since my breathing pattern was not natural, I was lightheaded and not focused at all. I remember everything she said was just going completely over my head and I felt like it was obvious that I was not obtaining anything she was saying. And I was right. She asked me “is everything ok?” I remember I couldn't even lie and say I was fine. Instead I blamed my distractedness on having a lot of school work to do and that it was making me very stressed. She said she noticed I was acting differently and let me leave at 1. I was absolutely relieved. What I didn't know at the time was this was an example of running away from my anxiety. And this only made the next time going to work even harder. I call this the pre-anxiety story because it was such a small undetectable moment and at the time I really thought I was just having an off day.
The first real story I can remember was in June of 2024. I had to work 5-10 on a Wednesday at my job which is one of the busiest days at our ice cream store. Knowing I was working with my favorite co-workers, I thought I would be relaxed. It usually takes me about 30 minutes to settle down at work but as more time passed, I was still extremely unsettled, which only increased my anxious thoughts. Every other minute I was thinking I was going to throw up or that I was going to pass out or that I was going to stop breathing and how embarrassed I'd be to do any of this in front of anyone. This is also when anxiety decided to show me a great weapon it loved to hold over me. Feeling trapped. I felt trapped in that store for 5 hours and this feeling began to attach to me every shift I worked moving forward. It was probably around 7:00 when the line of customers began to grow, not an end in sight, and I felt so internally panicked and overwhelmed. I again felt trapped and like I could not escape which made me force my feelings deep inside, making me even more anxious that I remember I began to disassociate and feel lightheaded. I tried to keep going but I was just so unfamiliar with all these strange feelings. I finally told my co-workers I was not feeling well so I called my manager to tell her how I did not feel well. I went home shortly after the phone call. I don’t remember much besides crying at home and feeling extremely relieved that I was home. This story really sticks with me because it is a very distinct memory I have from my first real battle with anxiety.
The next story I can remember was in late June/early July. At this point, I was working Saturday and Sunday morning along with 1 or 2 night shifts during the week. I began to hate the night shifts because it did not start until 5. All I would do before the shift started was sit around and wait. This brings us to the second weapon anxiety likes to use on me. Waiting. I would do nothing all day besides think about work at 5. This would make me so anxious and tense, causing me to think about my breathing. But, I'd make it to work and get through the shift somehow. After the shift was over, I felt like I never had to go through this again. All was well until the day of the next night shift. As more night shifts came and went, I started to get anxious earlier and earlier in the day. I would eventually get anxious as early as I woke up. Then, I started getting anxious the night before, then days before, then a whole week before. It became ‘dooms day’ in the most suffocating way. As soon as I got through my night shift, I felt relieved and went to bed. But sometimes after I got home from completing a night shift, I would have trouble sleeping because all I could think about was the next time I had to wait around all day and go through the same exhausting/uncomfortable feelings. At this point in my life, this was ALL I could think about. I was so consumed by it that my natural personality was slipping away from me. One particular summer night I just couldn’t do it. The thought of being at that store absolutely put me in one of the most anxious mindsets to date. I think it was a Tuesday. The morning I woke up I probably experienced 10 minutes of peace before the adrenaline started running. I tense up, I think about my breathing, and I'm feeling like I am going to throw up. I am thinking something crazy is wrong with me. All day, I just think and think and think, unable to shut my brain off. I remember crying to mom for hours straight and not even understanding why I was crying. I had no room for an appetite or water so my body normally felt extremely disoriented. I felt so alone and I felt so crazy. My brain just would not turn off. I knew I had no choice but to go. The whole shift I was tense and thought about my breathing regularly. Somehow I completed the shift. I was miserable and worked like a robot, numb with no emotions, not any step closer to understanding what was happening to me.
The month of August I cut my hours down to just Saturday and Sunday mornings. I ran away from the weeknight shifts, letting anxiety win. Although I still had the ‘dooms day’ countdown, I did create a very small routine throughout the week to distract me – something I thrive on. I would wake up, eat breakfast, color, go on the treadmill, watch Youtube, do my hair, eat dinner, watch more TV, & then go to bed. Not much I know. At this point I was barely seeing my two closest friends. The thought of having any interaction in person with anyone that wasn’t my mom or dad petrified me. Although this new routine did distract me temporarily, I was house bound. I could never leave the house because I would be so tense driving, thinking I’d black out. At this point in my life I fully believed that being in the house with this routine was how I’d spend the rest of my life. Unsure of what came over me, one random morning, I was brave and got in my car to drop off a package at the UPS store. At this point, I couldn’t even remember the last time I had driven somewhere that wasn’t for work. A few days later, I was a bit braver. I had run out of moisturizer and the closest place to get more was 35 minutes away. That morning I somehow had the confidence to drive out there and get moisturizer. Don’t get me wrong, the whole drive I was tense and thought I could pass out at any moment, but I just kept driving until I finally got there. I had left the house with a little spark of confidence and got the moisturizer. There were even some stores in the shopping center that I went into — again I still had major anxiety in settings like this but the point is I willingly did it while a week prior I was still 100% housebound aside from the 2 miserable days at work.
Wednesday, September 4th 2024 was a rough day for me. It was the first day of Sophomore year at my college. My school at the time was an hour commute from my house. All summer, I had been rushing and feeling the pressure to get over my anxiety because I knew I couldn’t be having panic attacks in class. I didn’t think about school so much in the early summer days. But the closer it got, the more panic I felt. The weekend leading up to the first day of school, I would think about how awful sitting in a hot classroom would make me feel. I knew I would feel hot and trapped. The morning of the first day of school my anxiety was through the roof. I was crying and walked into the kitchen where Dad was and told him how I was feeling. We weighed the options and made plans about how I could get through the day. I said “I can’t do it.” In reality, it wasn’t that I couldn’t, I just wasn’t ready. So, I didn’t go. I took a leave of absence for the semester. Although this was extremely relieving, I felt so disappointed and humiliated with myself. I wanted to believe that going back to school was going to cure all my problems so when I didn’t go I was lost and very upset.
On Sunday, September 8th 2024, was the day of my Grandma’s funeral service. I had known about this day for a few weeks and with everyday it got closer, the more anxious I got. Because I had never been to this location (somewhere in Connecticut,) this was a recipe for disaster. Although it was important for me to be there, Dad had given me the option to stay home. What stood out to me here is that I knew in my gut I couldn’t do that. But I also was terrified to commit to the plans and actually go to the service. We then came up with the plan that I would just come for the drive and get out of the house and stay in the car during the service. But again, I knew in my gut that that wasn’t enough. Although my brain recognized this, my body was frozen and extremely hesitant. The morning of the service was a whole day in itself. I cried hysterically ALL morning and was so confused and disgusted with myself for crying. Ultimately, I agreed to go for the drive and would decide last minute if I was going to go in or not. The car ride was BRUTAL. I was so tense and exhausted from crying all morning. We made a bathroom stop and the line was so long and I felt so trapped in the line and thought I was going to pass out. But, I stayed on that line and got through it and was back in the car and feeling a bit better for staying on the line. Once we got there, I saw my relatives. At that moment, something switched inside me and although for days the plan was for me to just sit in the car the whole time, I got right out of the car and went up to my other family. I made it through the whole service.
Later in the fall, I had a doctor’s appointment that was extremely valuable for me. My doctor gave me one rule. The rule was that I had to go out everyday, even if that meant just a walk around the neighborhood. I can confidently say that this request really changed things for me.
Around the same time as my doctor appointment, I began therapy. I definitely find that my best “medicine” is talking things out loud. Talking out my feelings really is a refreshing way for me to turn the page and let tense feelings go. I found therapy to be a really good way for me to do that. During a lot of my early sessions, I was so anxious the whole zoom call because I felt trapped in the 1 hour slot I was given. But overtime, I felt more comfortable and used to it. My therapist, Tony, recommended a book to me that was filled with tips and explanations about anxiety and how to work on it. This book from my therapist and The “rule” from my doctor really were the first pieces of ammo I used to help take control of my anxiety.
With the rule of going out everyday and with the book my therapist recommended to me, I began to s l o w l y start turning the page with my anxiety. Another thing that was very helpful early on into therapy, was the “ladder” I drew out a ladder and gave it 10 pegs and the goal was to eventually get to the top of the ladder. Starting on the lowest peg was the beach. The beach was my first stepping stone to start to get out of the house more and to develop a routine that was out of the house. When I first arrived, I would definitely be very tense. Sometimes I was tense for 20 minutes, sometimes 40, or sometimes the whole hour I was there. But the important thing here is that I was out of the house and even when I was uncomfortable I stayed. Here I would read my book about anxiety. This book definitely helped me a lot in terms of understanding that my brain gets anxious to protect me. Although it might not feel like it, the “fight or flight” response I get (tenseness, shallow breathing, chattering teeth) is my brain protecting me in case of danger. Although there is no real danger, if there was actually danger my “fight or flight” system would allow me to act if there was danger. The biggest thing I took from this book was the 50% trick. The hardest part with my anxiety is going to the place I am expected to be and staying there. Typically at this time, I am very anxious leading up to the event and then am still anxious for about 20 minutes after arriving. But after those 20 minutes, I tend to naturally settle down. The 50% trick in the book was to stay at the event until at least 50% of your anxiety has gone down. If you were to leave as soon as you get there with 100% anxiety, you would leave more scared because you didn’t give yourself a chance to settle down. So, the next time you're expected to be at the event your anxiety is even higher. I found this trick extremely important and helpful to me.
Jumping from the first peg (the beach/lighthouse) to the second peg allowed me to continue to practice the 50% trick. Because I wasn’t going to college right now, I had so many possibilities to decide where I wanted to go next. I started to drive to my local library (second peg). Again, I would be very anxious here because instead of just being in my car alone at the beach, I was at a library which had people around and I felt a little more trapped. But I went because it got me out of the house and it allowed me to practice the 50% trick. I always stayed and when it was time to leave I always felt way more relaxed than when I did when I first got there. Going to the beach and library became a very regular thing.
The next story was a challenge for me to test the tactics I’ve learned. Challenging the third peg, my Grandma was having family over for dinner. The idea of this made me feel trapped and uncomfortable. The plans weren’t until around 5:30 so you know what that means — time to overthink and anticipate! All day, I was waiting to just get there and get it over with. But as each hour passed, another hour of overthinking was added. So about an hour and a half before we had to leave, I felt tears stinging my eyes and knew I needed to talk to someone about how I was feeling. So, I went to my Dad and we went for a walk. This is another thing I’ve learned that helps me with anxiety. Taking walks allows me to just walk out my anxiety and talk about how I’m feeling. It truly settled me down and by the end of our walk I felt a bit more confident to go. I remember knowing in my head that I can do this. We made it to Grandma’s and I settled down internally within 20 minutes. I had climbed another mountain. With a little anxiety beforehand, I was also successfully able to attend the other upcoming family events.
I had officially been accepted into an online school for a short semester. I was going to begin 2 different math classes and felt very excited because it meant I would have more to do during the day. And it was baby steps to a bigger future. At the same time, I began to go more places with my mom. We went to farms, towns, and pumpkin patches, exposing me to new areas testing my anxiety. Each time I was uncomfortable but I knew it was important to get through it.
At this point, I have “graduated” from my routine. I was very consistent with it and comfortable with it for the most part minus maybe a few days when I felt a little more anxious. But for the most part, I was comfortable with what I was doing. My online classes were going well, I was on top of my work and going out in public to do work, I’m still reading at the beach, still having therapy on Thursday, work on Saturday, adventures with mom here and there, and now making plans with one of my close friends every once in a while. I applied to Stony Brook University and was accepted in late November. This was exciting but terrifying at the same time because what do you mean I’ll be attending school on campus full time again? When I was accepted, this intimidated me because I still had doubts. What if I’m not ready? What if I can’t do it? What if this makes me super anxious all over again? Since the semester didn’t begin for another two months I put these worries aside for now and focused on the progress I’ve made so far and just planned to continue working on that, step by step.
In early December, I officially closed the chapter of the ice cream shop. Shocking, I know. I didn’t think I would ever be able to walk away from it either. I worked there for 4 years and grew so much from it. I developed social skills, learned about the concept of money, learned that I am passionate about working as hard as I can, and I made some amazing friends. As I’ve grown up, I naturally grew out of the job but felt immense pressure to stay. The combination of anxiety and not enjoying the job really made things hard. Shortly after Thanksgiving, something told me I was ready. Back in the summer time, I would be so anxious that my Dad would have to come into work with me until I somewhat calmed down. I was only working 1 day at this point and even though I was miserable, I knew I was in charge of the store that day. Eventually, I learned to manage the anxieties at the ice cream store. One thing that specifically helped me was turning on music that made me want to dance. It sounds silly I know. But this would distract me and push me through that shift. At this point in December, I wasn’t running away from the anxiety my job caused anymore because I had been able to manage that one day I worked. But, it was time for my next chapter.
Leaving my job gave my brain so much more emotional space towards other focuses. Instead of getting through 6 days of the week with that 1 day of work draining all my emotions, I had 7 days of the week with no drainage. I had a higher level of confidence. I had my schedule made for Stony Brook and would walk around campus alone to get familiar with the area. At this point, something like this didn’t create anxiety because I was alone. Unlike before when I did anything even if I was alone, it was too much. But now, I could go to places alone like stores, the beach, library, and campus with a little more trust in myself than I had before. Not 100% trust, but it went from 0% to now 50%. Christmas came around, and I was able to have a good time with my family with a lot less anxiety than I did in the fall.
One of the top pegs on my ladder was finally ready to be tested. Our annual trip to Pennsylvania for the holidays. It was time to redeem myself. We were going to spend the day with my cousins. The last time I was there, I was so uncomfortable and anxious. It sounds crazy, I know. I am just going to my cousins! But something about the last visit haunted me, causing me to spiral anxiety a bit. The three hour drive was the first challenge. I played the music I needed to play to give me the confidence I needed for the day. I truly was feeling good until about the last 10 minutes of the drive. I felt tears sting my eyes because this internal battle between I can and can’t do it started brewing. I felt my fingers shaking and felt myself tense up. We pulled in the driveway and I got out of the car and as soon as I saw my Grandma I knew my answer — I can. We were there for over 6 hours and I felt it was one of the best visits ever. I talked a lot and felt relaxed. We played board games which were very fun and had a very nice dinner. I had redeemed myself.
Oh don’t worry, overcoming anxiety is not as easy as that. It was now time for my 10th and highest peg of the ladder. I was about to return back to school. It’s January 27th 2025. Today is the day where I put everything I’ve learned towards controlling my anxiety to the test. I only had 1 class today. As the morning went on, I definitely began to overthink and anticipate. I started to doubt myself. What if I have a panic attack in class? What if it is hot in the class? What if I need to leave after sitting for only 5 minutes? This crazy internal battle just continued to escalate to the point where tears stung my eyes. I was frustrated with myself for letting these thoughts seep through. Through all this anxiety, nervousness, and lack of energy from getting worked up, a small part of me knew I was going to do it. Before I left, I had a talk with Mom and Dad. When it was time to leave for class, I grabbed my bag, said “bye” to my parents, and just walked out the door. I turned on the car, played music to give me confidence and just drove there. The next thing I knew was that I was actually walking towards the class. When I got there, I was early. I was surprisingly calm. I was more distracted by the fact that I actually made it all the way to the door of the classroom, which gave me confidence. A few minutes passed, and a girl walked towards the class and stood outside the door near me. I don’t know what possessed me to do this, but I walked up to her and made small talk with her. She ended up becoming my best friend at school. I once said I would never be able to sit in a classroom ever again and here I was proving myself wrong. I even volunteered an answer once. My confidence just kept building. I’ll be honest, I paid 0 attention to what the professor was explaining because I was just so distracted by the fact that I was actually here.
As school went on, I started to get the hang of things. I was so proud of myself for actually being here. It seriously made me feel like I could do anything because going back to school was what I was most scared of. Now of course, some days I found myself a little more tense in class than others. For example, my astronomy class was a lot hotter than other classrooms and I just didn’t love the classroom environment. There were times where I fully thought I was going to have a panic attack in that class but every single time, I stayed. I never ran away from it. I told myself to stay until 50% of my anxiety went down. I always stayed and proved my anxiety wrong.
Because of Stony Brook, this really increased the trust I had within myself. At this point, it shot up from 50% to 75%. It is now May and I have just completed my first semester at my new school. The fact that I can even say that is still crazy to me because just a few months ago I never thought I’d be able to sit in a classroom ever again because of how controlled I was by anxiety.
With a successful completion of my first semester, I brought all that confidence into my social life. I can now confidently say I have 100% trust in myself and was able to use this in many different ways. Starting off, I was able to reconnect with old friends that I had not seen in over a year because it was too out of my comfort zone for me in the past.
We are now in the present. Writing out my journey with anxiety continues to motivate me and remind me that I can do anything with just a little confidence. Looking back, I don’t even recognize myself. But, I do remember that at these times that I thought this was my life forever. I truly thought I would forever be stuck housebound, shut out from everything. At that time, I had 0% trust in myself and anxiety had 100% control. To now say the complete opposite, 100% trust in myself and anxiety having 0% control over me is my biggest accomplishment this year. It allowed me to grow in so many ways and achieve so much. Back when I slowly began to get through things like family events, shifts at work, appointments, or events with friends, I wouldn’t praise myself for getting through them. I would be so relieved that it was over instead of taking these accomplishments and ‘displaying’ them for the next challenge to see. I would get through something but then go right back into my shell. But, getting through anxiety is definitely a gradual change and the victories did begin to stack upon each other, which allowed me to slowly learn to trust myself and see a light that things really would get better. Once I started to tell myself “I can,” it became a mission to push through anything that made me anxious. And when I got through these things, I’d be buzzing with confidence. All the small victories, starting with just getting out of the house going to the beach for the day, led me to where I am today — happy, confident, surrounded by great people, and excited for the future. Of course from time to time I will get those anxious nerves, but the difference now is that I don’t panic. I know I am okay. I know it will pass. And when the nerves come, I no longer doubt myself.
